Attention all fun and funky fashionistas! Are you a RETAIL SUPERSTAR! Are you ready for a fantastic challenge in a dynamic team environment? Do you have a positive CAN DO ATTITUDE and great INTERPERSONAL SKILLS?
In the last month I have read so many Positions Vacant Ads I am beginning to sound like one.
They are all so tacky. Most of them are hyping up really boring and uninteresting positions with phrases like "fun team environment" or "unique role for the right person". But lets get down to it. Most of these roles are either:
a) talked up glorified store assistants roles
b) boring communist call centre environments.
Just once I wish I would read an ad that was REAL. An ad that said what the job really was.....
"Are you unskilled, uneducated, unintelligent and looking for a role where you get kicked around by and asshole job for a minimum wage? Are you looking for a role where the the highlights of your working day are smoko and hometime? We are looking for an unenthusiastic shitkicker to join our team of highly bitter and resentful people. You will be required to stand around, complain about the shithole you work in, occasionally act as though you are actually working and blame all your mistakes on the outdated computer system. Overtime is unpaid and essential. And we will make sure that you miss out on as much fun as is humanly possible."
See that is real life. That is what 50% of the jobs that are in the leader each week should actually read. You are not a "fashion expert", you are a store assistant that didnt make it into a design course. You are not a "hygiene consultant" you are an underpaid cleaner.
Im not sure if this made sense but its what I think.
The End
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Danoz Dreaming
I need help. I need support. i am ashamed of what I almost did and Im not afraid to say it. There has to be some form of 12 step meeting held in a church basement for people like me. Or, for people like what I am about to become......
It started innocently enough. Im on late shift tonight so I thought I would sleep in for an extra hour or two and then get up and be a bum for a little while before I went to work. All was going fine. I woke up at 9.30, shower, breakfast..... then I TURNED THE TV ON.
Nothing wrong with that you say, we all have our lazy mornings where we decline to do anything even remotely productive, and so far not there is not. It is what happened AFTER I turned the TV on that has turned me into a shamful borderline PERSON WITH PROBLEM.
The television was tuned to channel ten, and the program of choice was Good Morning Australia with good ole Moonface himself Bert Newton. I stared blankly for a while- a couple of very B grade lounge singing celebrities, a washed up old superstar with her new protege...... Then IT happened.
Bert said "And now heres a word from Moira" and suddenly I came face to face with the all new all amazing 49 piece super storage set, complete with lids and plastic stand to hold and organise. These quality containers all come with interchangeable lids so you will never be left with one container that is lid free. Microwaveable airtight, there is nothing these containers CANT do. And what about for use in other parts of the house? Store your nuts and bolts, use them in the laundry, keep your hair clips rust free. These containers do everything, from negotiating conflict situations in the middle east to feeding starving masses in small African nations.
AND ALL FOR ONE EASY CREDIT CARD PAYMENT OF $49.95!!! And if you ring today they will throw in ANOTHER SET for HALF PRICE. I tell with 98 of these miracle wonders, we could abolish terrorism! Civil unrest would be a thing of the past, and those EVIL COMMUNISTS would be GONE FOREVER.
Yes it sounds too good to be true. Hell it IS to good to be true. Because logically, the containers will probably buckle, the lids will be mishapen, and the stand will be too small to fit them in. And when is anyone going to need 98 miracle containers? Am I really going to find 98 uses for something that looks suspiciously like a chinese takeaway container with a fancy blue lid?
NO I AM NOT. Which brings me to the reason why I feel so ashamed. I WROTE THE TOLL FREE NUMBER DOWN. I wrote down the number that flashed when they said CALL NOW! I am not going to publish that number here, because I do not want to tempt any of my poor readers with such a FANTASTIC DEAL. But the fact that I wrote the number down means that I actually entertained, even if only for a few seconds, the idea of ringing up and PURCHASING 49 glorified fast food containers and a dodgy plastic stand to hold them in. And that, dear reader, is sad and frightening.
Imagine if I did- would I be able to stop there? Next would be the MAGIC BULLET, which may sound like a sex toy but is in fact an "amazing new concept in food processing". Or maybe I need a couple of bagless vacuum cleaners (buy one get one free- do you really need two?) or a super duper slicer-dicer that is sold by some old pommy dude who talks too fast and expects to amaze me by the fact that he just cut chips. The television shopping possibilities appear endless....
Its a dangerous and frightening addiction, and I think that all products by Danoz Direct and Home Shopping should come with a Health and Safety warning and information one the TVS-line- Thats TV Shopping addiction line for those of you who dont know. They should have those little warnings flashing up on the screen.
Well I must go, that was the doorbell and I have a feeling that my Amazing Ab workout machine that will also braid my hair and wash my dishes has just turned up- all for 4 easy credit card payments of $59.95..... BYYYEEEEEEE
It started innocently enough. Im on late shift tonight so I thought I would sleep in for an extra hour or two and then get up and be a bum for a little while before I went to work. All was going fine. I woke up at 9.30, shower, breakfast..... then I TURNED THE TV ON.
Nothing wrong with that you say, we all have our lazy mornings where we decline to do anything even remotely productive, and so far not there is not. It is what happened AFTER I turned the TV on that has turned me into a shamful borderline PERSON WITH PROBLEM.
The television was tuned to channel ten, and the program of choice was Good Morning Australia with good ole Moonface himself Bert Newton. I stared blankly for a while- a couple of very B grade lounge singing celebrities, a washed up old superstar with her new protege...... Then IT happened.
Bert said "And now heres a word from Moira" and suddenly I came face to face with the all new all amazing 49 piece super storage set, complete with lids and plastic stand to hold and organise. These quality containers all come with interchangeable lids so you will never be left with one container that is lid free. Microwaveable airtight, there is nothing these containers CANT do. And what about for use in other parts of the house? Store your nuts and bolts, use them in the laundry, keep your hair clips rust free. These containers do everything, from negotiating conflict situations in the middle east to feeding starving masses in small African nations.
AND ALL FOR ONE EASY CREDIT CARD PAYMENT OF $49.95!!! And if you ring today they will throw in ANOTHER SET for HALF PRICE. I tell with 98 of these miracle wonders, we could abolish terrorism! Civil unrest would be a thing of the past, and those EVIL COMMUNISTS would be GONE FOREVER.
Yes it sounds too good to be true. Hell it IS to good to be true. Because logically, the containers will probably buckle, the lids will be mishapen, and the stand will be too small to fit them in. And when is anyone going to need 98 miracle containers? Am I really going to find 98 uses for something that looks suspiciously like a chinese takeaway container with a fancy blue lid?
NO I AM NOT. Which brings me to the reason why I feel so ashamed. I WROTE THE TOLL FREE NUMBER DOWN. I wrote down the number that flashed when they said CALL NOW! I am not going to publish that number here, because I do not want to tempt any of my poor readers with such a FANTASTIC DEAL. But the fact that I wrote the number down means that I actually entertained, even if only for a few seconds, the idea of ringing up and PURCHASING 49 glorified fast food containers and a dodgy plastic stand to hold them in. And that, dear reader, is sad and frightening.
Imagine if I did- would I be able to stop there? Next would be the MAGIC BULLET, which may sound like a sex toy but is in fact an "amazing new concept in food processing". Or maybe I need a couple of bagless vacuum cleaners (buy one get one free- do you really need two?) or a super duper slicer-dicer that is sold by some old pommy dude who talks too fast and expects to amaze me by the fact that he just cut chips. The television shopping possibilities appear endless....
Its a dangerous and frightening addiction, and I think that all products by Danoz Direct and Home Shopping should come with a Health and Safety warning and information one the TVS-line- Thats TV Shopping addiction line for those of you who dont know. They should have those little warnings flashing up on the screen.
Well I must go, that was the doorbell and I have a feeling that my Amazing Ab workout machine that will also braid my hair and wash my dishes has just turned up- all for 4 easy credit card payments of $59.95..... BYYYEEEEEEE
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