I have a confession to make. Some may be shocked. Some may be offended. Some may NEVER READ MY BLOG AGAIN (dum dum DUUUUM)......
I am really crap at sport. There you go, said it. I am probably one of the worst sports players that ever walked the earth. I am so bad that when I played soccer, they would only sub me on the field when an equally shit player came off and they would generally place me in a position where I did the least damage humanly possible. Well, maybe thats an overstatement, I played soccer for 15 years and Im sure I managed to play a few half decent games. Probably only by accident though.
Its not that Im unfit, I go to the gym 4 times a week and I can run 5k on a treadmill. Its not that Im selfish, I love team sports and I am always looking out for whats best for the team. Its just unfortunate that what is best for the team is me sitting on the sideline with a beer and a rug over my knees.
My problem is not my brain, I know WHAT I am supposed to do and I know WHEN I am supposed to do it- though WHAT I should be doing is NOT PLAYING and WHEN I should be doing it is NEVER.
The problem is, and all my fellow uncos out there will completely relate to this, that my feet will not do what my brain tells it to do. My brain knows, my feet know, but they seem to be ignoring each other when the time comes for them to act like a team.
My eyes dont work, my arms turn to jelly. All of my hard work and training go out the window when I play team sport. My legs seize and refuse to run. People on the sideline scream 'get moving Ris' but they dont realise that I am virtually glued to the spot.
I think it is actually a combination of pessimism and fear that destroy me. I am afraid of letting people down. I am afraid of fucking up and costing my team a goal. I am afraid that they will all laugh at me. i am afraid that I will be the last one picked..... well I probably already was.
The stupid thing is, all I ever wanted to do was play sport. I was always so keen. I ran in every race (I think once I even came SECOND last), I swam at every swimming carnival. I tried to play hockey, soccer, tennis, basketball, softball. I turned up early to training, paid to go to extra training camps. I put up with comments about my weight, my glasses, my nerdiness, and still put in the effort day after day week after week. I would listen to my parents, and believe them when they said practice makes perfect. I TRIED, gave it 100% EVERY TIME WITHOUT FAIL WITHOUT QUESTION.
Now that might sound like a good attitude, like I did the right thing. But is setting myself up for failure after failure week after week and putting up with put down after put down really THE RIGHT THING. The amount of times I was pulled off the field and sat on the bench because I was not good enough and the other PARENTS on the sideline were booing me was ridiculous.
Is it really the RIGHT THING to allow yourself to feel this way? I know we grow up and then its all good and you dont feel so bad and you can laugh at yourself and no one judges you for being crap and bullshit bullshit bullshit, you are good at other things, you can write really good stories well WHO CARES if you can write good stories, WHO CARES if you are grammatically correct and can spell words that other people have never heard of, WHO CARES if you are booksmart, I can tell you who, not many people. What am I going to do, compete in a word Olympics? Go and play theatre sports? PLEASE!
Actually, the theatre sports is actually a pretty good idea........
But anyway. My other half pointed out that I am better at reading and writing than him..... woo-hoo. Thats not actually a supported fact, as he is getting hundreds of hits on his blog every week and I dont think that even my friends read this anymore.
And its not as if people who write well get invited to "drinks after the game". We get invited to edit peoples pamphlets and read over peoples assignments. Then we get asked what this word means and how to spell that. Wow impressive.
Ok, well this rant is pretty much over, I have stopped making sense, and I am no longer feeling like shit. Hell Ive even started to laugh while writing this which has got to be a good sign.
Its sad that Im crap at sports, I really love them and I would like to play. I even want to play scary touch Aussie Rules even though I quit last night and they probably have a new girl to fill my space.
What do you all think cyberspace peoples?
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Being 24
Many apologies, dear readers, as this will be yet another meaningful and deep post contemplating the complexities of my life. But I promise, AND YOU CAN HOLD ME TO THIS, my next post will most definately be cynical and judgemental as usual. I PROMISE. Just bear with me.....
Its pretty tough in this day and age, to be a 24 year old woman in this day and age. We live in the age of choice and freedom. Im learning, however, that with choice and freedom comes expectation. Expectation from ourselves. From our families and our friends. Our partners our teachers our bosses and busdrivers. From those people in highschool we didnt even like, but had to be nice to because their parents were friends with our parents.
My parents expect me to be brilliant. They expect me to go back to uni. They think that I should get a degree and do a doctorate and be accademic and be successful. They want a daughter that they can boast about. My mother in particular wants me to have a GREAT CAREER, not just a job. She wants me to have this super duper job, not to worry about babies and to be one of those new age women who has kids at 42.
Mr friends expect me to be the one who succeeds. I, you see, was the one who always got the job she wanted, who always got the traineeship. I once (famously among my friends) walked into a service station barefoot to buy a coke, and came out with a job as an assistant manager. And Im the one who went from being drugged up party girl to practically married housewife with a mortgage in 3 years.
The world expects women today to be everything. We have to be able to hold down a great job, have babies, keep a household and stay thin. All at once. And if we dont, the world judges us. We have to be ambitious. Its no longer good enough to want to be married and have babies. Its no longer important to be good mothers and to teach and nurture the leaders of the future. People look down on women who want to do that.
In saying that, however, women are still expected to have babies. But not too young. Young mothers are not kosher, according to the world these days. But be careful. You dont want to be too old. Old mums are pathetic and sad, desperate maids who get knocked up because they realise that time is running out. Thats not good in the eyes of the world either.
We have to be independantly minded, because marriage is old fashioned and nothing is forever anymore. There is no room for women who believe in love. There is no room for women who are happy with part time jobs while their husbands work to support their family.
I am a young woman in my mid twenties and I am afraid that I am going to fail. So afraid that it affects my relationships. I am afriad that I will stuff it all up, take a wrong turn and end up lost. No because I feel that I have made the wrong choices. I know that I made the best choices I could with the oppurtunities I had. I am afraid because there is so many judges and so many standards, but no-one will tell you what you are supposed to be. Im doomed if I do and doomed if I dont.
You see, sometimes I think that I dont really want to be the new age woman with the new age beliefs. I dont think that men and women are equal. I have never known what I wanted to do as a career. I have never had a five year plan with choices for promotion.
The only things I have ever really wanted out of life were the things that my mother told me I didnt need. A stable home. A loving husband. Kids to teach and love that are a part of me. I might be an oddball and I might have been "the smart one" but all I have ever really know that I want is the suburban dream.Sure there are other things that I want to do. I want to write a book and I want to be on Oprah. But if I had to chose between these things and what I have always know I wanted, I would chose my traditional suburban dream.
Its tough being 24 in this day and age. With the pressure and the expectations, everything I want will always be wrong. There will always be someone who knows better who will judge.
Crikey.
Its pretty tough in this day and age, to be a 24 year old woman in this day and age. We live in the age of choice and freedom. Im learning, however, that with choice and freedom comes expectation. Expectation from ourselves. From our families and our friends. Our partners our teachers our bosses and busdrivers. From those people in highschool we didnt even like, but had to be nice to because their parents were friends with our parents.
My parents expect me to be brilliant. They expect me to go back to uni. They think that I should get a degree and do a doctorate and be accademic and be successful. They want a daughter that they can boast about. My mother in particular wants me to have a GREAT CAREER, not just a job. She wants me to have this super duper job, not to worry about babies and to be one of those new age women who has kids at 42.
Mr friends expect me to be the one who succeeds. I, you see, was the one who always got the job she wanted, who always got the traineeship. I once (famously among my friends) walked into a service station barefoot to buy a coke, and came out with a job as an assistant manager. And Im the one who went from being drugged up party girl to practically married housewife with a mortgage in 3 years.
The world expects women today to be everything. We have to be able to hold down a great job, have babies, keep a household and stay thin. All at once. And if we dont, the world judges us. We have to be ambitious. Its no longer good enough to want to be married and have babies. Its no longer important to be good mothers and to teach and nurture the leaders of the future. People look down on women who want to do that.
In saying that, however, women are still expected to have babies. But not too young. Young mothers are not kosher, according to the world these days. But be careful. You dont want to be too old. Old mums are pathetic and sad, desperate maids who get knocked up because they realise that time is running out. Thats not good in the eyes of the world either.
We have to be independantly minded, because marriage is old fashioned and nothing is forever anymore. There is no room for women who believe in love. There is no room for women who are happy with part time jobs while their husbands work to support their family.
I am a young woman in my mid twenties and I am afraid that I am going to fail. So afraid that it affects my relationships. I am afriad that I will stuff it all up, take a wrong turn and end up lost. No because I feel that I have made the wrong choices. I know that I made the best choices I could with the oppurtunities I had. I am afraid because there is so many judges and so many standards, but no-one will tell you what you are supposed to be. Im doomed if I do and doomed if I dont.
You see, sometimes I think that I dont really want to be the new age woman with the new age beliefs. I dont think that men and women are equal. I have never known what I wanted to do as a career. I have never had a five year plan with choices for promotion.
The only things I have ever really wanted out of life were the things that my mother told me I didnt need. A stable home. A loving husband. Kids to teach and love that are a part of me. I might be an oddball and I might have been "the smart one" but all I have ever really know that I want is the suburban dream.Sure there are other things that I want to do. I want to write a book and I want to be on Oprah. But if I had to chose between these things and what I have always know I wanted, I would chose my traditional suburban dream.
Its tough being 24 in this day and age. With the pressure and the expectations, everything I want will always be wrong. There will always be someone who knows better who will judge.
Crikey.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
So Not Good
I am so unhappy at the moment. I dont know why, all I know is that I am. Its my job its my life. How can I know so many people and still feel lonely? I live with one person and one cat and I spend so much time feeling like the only people on earth.
I dont think anyone actually wants to spend time with me. Well correction, the people who I wish wanted to spend time with me dont seem to want to. I feel avoided. I get the distinct impression that people will go out of their way and find other things to do.
I am so quietly miserable. I can fake it, and I do. I fake being happy I fake laugh, I pretend that I feel secure, happy and that my life is on track. I should have been an actor I fake it so good. But I cant remember the last time that I actually felt as happy as I pretend to feel.
Im sick of crying at night. Im sick of feeling like a failure. But I dont know how to make things right anymore. Dammit Im sick of the fact that I am crying right now. Maybe its PMS but who has THIS much PMS?
Im sorry to load this all on you, whoever you are if you even bother to read this. But I gotta tell someone and no-one else really seems to listen.
The end.
I dont think anyone actually wants to spend time with me. Well correction, the people who I wish wanted to spend time with me dont seem to want to. I feel avoided. I get the distinct impression that people will go out of their way and find other things to do.
I am so quietly miserable. I can fake it, and I do. I fake being happy I fake laugh, I pretend that I feel secure, happy and that my life is on track. I should have been an actor I fake it so good. But I cant remember the last time that I actually felt as happy as I pretend to feel.
Im sick of crying at night. Im sick of feeling like a failure. But I dont know how to make things right anymore. Dammit Im sick of the fact that I am crying right now. Maybe its PMS but who has THIS much PMS?
Im sorry to load this all on you, whoever you are if you even bother to read this. But I gotta tell someone and no-one else really seems to listen.
The end.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
True Confessions
I have a confession to make.
I am not proud of it nor do I want anyone to judge me for the decisions that I have made. I understand that this confession could render me a social outcast (nothing new) and I am sure that I will lose friends because of what I am about to say.
I hate NRL. I hate the teams the game the players. I hate the cheerleaders (I have tit envy). I dont understand the rules, nor do I wish to take the time to learn them. I dont care who you tip- cowboys or warriers? Who ARE the COWBOYS? WHO CARES! I dont understand what a line drop out is. i dont understand why you gotta throw backwards to move forwards. I dont understand why they call it football when you dont use your feet much. I dont even understand why they call it a "ball since it is not round.
Dont get me wrong. I have TRIED to get into the phenomenon that its NRL. When you live in the Shire and go to school at Kogarah (home of the mighty Dragons. Yay.), you kinda have to at least pretend that you care about the fate of 11 meatheads, 25 big titted lollipop cheerleaders and a stupid mascot. I have supporter gear. For both St George and the Sharks. Ive been to the games. BUT I DONT CARE.
For me, there was always two reasons why I went to the football. Well for a brief period, there was 3. Firstly, I have always known someone who knows someone, so I have always been able to get in for free, or for a substantial discount. And even if you hate the game, who can give up a free ticket? In high school it was COOL that I knew a security guard who could get me into the lockers after the game. I mean I think that St George LOST, but I dunno.
Secondly, it was always a place where we could go and score beers. When we were underaged, there was always one drunk fanatic who thought we were cute lil' dragons supporters who was good for getting us a few VBs and passing them over to us to drink behind the hill. And when we were legal, it was all about buying 4 at a time, and trying to drink as many as fast as we could, so that by the time we were in the club pretending to listen to the presentations we were barely able to stand.
Thirdly, and mind you, only in my younger years, it was the perfect place to go when we were stoned. No one noticed our red eyes and if they did they probably attributed them to our emotional involvement in the game. And there is ample cheap dodgy food that is easily accessible whould we get the munchies. Hot dog and wedges with sourcream and sweet chilli? Sign me up.
But for me, once the novelty of getting in for free, the joy of drinking feral VB and the fun of getting stoned wore off, there was nothing left but a bunch of overgrown meatheads running into each other wearing stupid shorts.
I cant enjoy an experience if I cant understand it, and to me, the game of NRL simply highlights all the things that are wrong in this world at this time. The idolisation of idiots and anorexics. "My teams better than your team". Need I say more.
So I hope, dear readers, that you can still respect me after my confession. I understand if you no longer see me as a "true Aussie". I understand if I am evicted from the shire cos I dont care if the sharks never win a premership. But please, my friends, try to be understanding.
Bye.
I am not proud of it nor do I want anyone to judge me for the decisions that I have made. I understand that this confession could render me a social outcast (nothing new) and I am sure that I will lose friends because of what I am about to say.
I hate NRL. I hate the teams the game the players. I hate the cheerleaders (I have tit envy). I dont understand the rules, nor do I wish to take the time to learn them. I dont care who you tip- cowboys or warriers? Who ARE the COWBOYS? WHO CARES! I dont understand what a line drop out is. i dont understand why you gotta throw backwards to move forwards. I dont understand why they call it football when you dont use your feet much. I dont even understand why they call it a "ball since it is not round.
Dont get me wrong. I have TRIED to get into the phenomenon that its NRL. When you live in the Shire and go to school at Kogarah (home of the mighty Dragons. Yay.), you kinda have to at least pretend that you care about the fate of 11 meatheads, 25 big titted lollipop cheerleaders and a stupid mascot. I have supporter gear. For both St George and the Sharks. Ive been to the games. BUT I DONT CARE.
For me, there was always two reasons why I went to the football. Well for a brief period, there was 3. Firstly, I have always known someone who knows someone, so I have always been able to get in for free, or for a substantial discount. And even if you hate the game, who can give up a free ticket? In high school it was COOL that I knew a security guard who could get me into the lockers after the game. I mean I think that St George LOST, but I dunno.
Secondly, it was always a place where we could go and score beers. When we were underaged, there was always one drunk fanatic who thought we were cute lil' dragons supporters who was good for getting us a few VBs and passing them over to us to drink behind the hill. And when we were legal, it was all about buying 4 at a time, and trying to drink as many as fast as we could, so that by the time we were in the club pretending to listen to the presentations we were barely able to stand.
Thirdly, and mind you, only in my younger years, it was the perfect place to go when we were stoned. No one noticed our red eyes and if they did they probably attributed them to our emotional involvement in the game. And there is ample cheap dodgy food that is easily accessible whould we get the munchies. Hot dog and wedges with sourcream and sweet chilli? Sign me up.
But for me, once the novelty of getting in for free, the joy of drinking feral VB and the fun of getting stoned wore off, there was nothing left but a bunch of overgrown meatheads running into each other wearing stupid shorts.
I cant enjoy an experience if I cant understand it, and to me, the game of NRL simply highlights all the things that are wrong in this world at this time. The idolisation of idiots and anorexics. "My teams better than your team". Need I say more.
So I hope, dear readers, that you can still respect me after my confession. I understand if you no longer see me as a "true Aussie". I understand if I am evicted from the shire cos I dont care if the sharks never win a premership. But please, my friends, try to be understanding.
Bye.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Im Ba-ack
Get excited.
Get emotional.
Get ready to jump outta your seats and pump your fists in the air, cos I AM BACK and I am sure that I am far more cynical and unimpressed with life than I was when I last put typeface to computer screen.....
Now that the Nike advertisement of an intro is over, yes yes oh valued readers, whose numbers are in the thousands I am sure, I have returned to the land of blogs and am ready to bitch to all who care with a vengeance.
But before the torrential downpour of whinging and cynical moaning begins, I feel I must catch you up on what has been going on in my life since I last wrote.....
First of all I AM STILL IN THE SAME JOB!!!!! I am actually sitting at a desk at work now, pretending with every inch of my body to look as though I am intently working on a Dangerous Dog Declaration. And yes, I still hate the place. So if any valued readers would like to employ me to read books/talk shit over a cup of tea/go to the gym you know how to contact me. Herrrrrmmm, Im sure the offers will FLY on in.......
The man of my life and myself now have a unit and a mortgage..... its actually a rather nice unit and for the most part I really do enjoy this step in my life...... except for when I have PMS......
A whole bunch of my friends have gotten engaged- so I have been and am currently still going to engagement parties, hens nights and kitchen teas..... which sounds like a blast. Except of course that every one of these occasions means I have to buy a present, often for people I have barely spoken to for the last 3 years. Now I dont mean to sound bitter BUT WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THEY BOUGHT ME A PRESENT!?!? I am actually tempted to fake my engagement just for a shiny new stainless steel toaster and a clothes dryer.......
And finally, I am ashamed to admit it, but I am hopelessly and completely addicted to the Aussie Biggest Loser. Seriously. I even shout at the television, in the vain hope that a time vortex will open and the contestants will hear me. OH MY GOD I AM TURNING INTO MY PARENTS. Oh how it hurts to age....
Well I guess I am done with this post, but I shall be back. Wait till you hear about my new GREAT CAREER IDEA and why I LOVE OPRAH.......
Til we next meet oh valued readers, farewell and blessings from some completely non-denominational and non-political higher entity.....
Get emotional.
Get ready to jump outta your seats and pump your fists in the air, cos I AM BACK and I am sure that I am far more cynical and unimpressed with life than I was when I last put typeface to computer screen.....
Now that the Nike advertisement of an intro is over, yes yes oh valued readers, whose numbers are in the thousands I am sure, I have returned to the land of blogs and am ready to bitch to all who care with a vengeance.
But before the torrential downpour of whinging and cynical moaning begins, I feel I must catch you up on what has been going on in my life since I last wrote.....
First of all I AM STILL IN THE SAME JOB!!!!! I am actually sitting at a desk at work now, pretending with every inch of my body to look as though I am intently working on a Dangerous Dog Declaration. And yes, I still hate the place. So if any valued readers would like to employ me to read books/talk shit over a cup of tea/go to the gym you know how to contact me. Herrrrrmmm, Im sure the offers will FLY on in.......
The man of my life and myself now have a unit and a mortgage..... its actually a rather nice unit and for the most part I really do enjoy this step in my life...... except for when I have PMS......
A whole bunch of my friends have gotten engaged- so I have been and am currently still going to engagement parties, hens nights and kitchen teas..... which sounds like a blast. Except of course that every one of these occasions means I have to buy a present, often for people I have barely spoken to for the last 3 years. Now I dont mean to sound bitter BUT WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THEY BOUGHT ME A PRESENT!?!? I am actually tempted to fake my engagement just for a shiny new stainless steel toaster and a clothes dryer.......
And finally, I am ashamed to admit it, but I am hopelessly and completely addicted to the Aussie Biggest Loser. Seriously. I even shout at the television, in the vain hope that a time vortex will open and the contestants will hear me. OH MY GOD I AM TURNING INTO MY PARENTS. Oh how it hurts to age....
Well I guess I am done with this post, but I shall be back. Wait till you hear about my new GREAT CAREER IDEA and why I LOVE OPRAH.......
Til we next meet oh valued readers, farewell and blessings from some completely non-denominational and non-political higher entity.....
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