Maitanence

Today, for the reading pleasure of the millions of female fans that I am sure that I have around the globe, I am going to bitch for a few hours about maitanence. So if you are male and therefore a bit puzzled by the whole strange and bizarre world of female beauty maitanence, you have two options:

1 Read on, and be enthralled by the world of a girl, her tweezers and her exfoliating mask

2 Stop reading now as the rest of this may be a little

joe is taking over this post..... family guy rulez... "fox was like do you want to make a new family guy movie" and then i was like " Fuck yeah!" ,Lois.

Well yes thanks very much to the man in my life for taking over and speaking words of absolute brilliance into my blog.... now where was I.....

Oh yes. 2 Stop reading this now as the rest may be a little overwhelming.....

I spent over an hour this evening confined in the very small and very claustrophobic space of my bathroom. This hour of my life, which I may add I will NEVER EVER get back, was solely devoted to the art of female maitanence.

I am plucked and exfoliated. I have smooth hairless legs. I can proudly lift my arms and not be afraid of small forestry projects. The hair on my head is clean, shiny and treated. My skin in johnsons milk wash smooth. And my "bikini region" as it is so politely put on the back of some packaging I came accross is about as close to good as you can get without paying some masochistic waxing fiend to do it for you. I guess you can say that on female terms, I am pretty socially acceptable right now.

Which brings me to my little bitch: WHY MUST WE GO THROUGH THESE INSANE BEAUTY REGIMES??? Why must we pluck and wax and tone? What purpose does it serve?? The pain we put ourselves through in the name of beauty is unbelievable! Not to mention the financial burden...

Let me quickly itemise- I have cleanser, toner, face moisturiser. Makeup remover. Eye cream. I have a state of the art venus razor, and sensitive skin hair removal mousse. I also recently purchased this rather nifty stuff called 'slo-gro' which is apparently meant to make the hair grow back sparser and finer- time will tell. I have body wash, body buffer, body moisturiser and body butter. I have exfoiliating scrub, an exfoliating glove and exfoliating masks. This is insane people.

On top of all these we have the maitanence that we pay others for. Now Im growing my hair and only get my eyebrows waxed every 4 weeks so I get off pretty lightly here. But .for those who get all that stuff done it can be pretty costly- not to mention painful.....

I know two girls who got brazilians and said it was more painful than childbirth. That means they would rather endure pusing a rockmelon through a mousehole than let a sadistic bleach blonde bimbo get at their rude bits with hot wax and canvas strips. Oh and did I mention that some people are allergic to hair dye? I had a red scalp for weeks once when they bleached streaks into my hair.

I wish that it would suddenly become fashionable to go natural. How easy would life be if it was sexy to be hairy and have straggly split ends? If wrinkles and cellulite were accepted? If it was ok to have a blackhead?

Sadly, I fear that this fantasy world will never exist. And, as hypocritical as this is, I will continue my maintanence until I am too old to grasp my razor and too blind to read the instructions on the hair removal mousse package.....

Im off now to exfoliate my bikini line and wax my face- or did I get that the wrong way round?...........