Friendship

Friends come and go, new friendships get made and old ones fade away. We live in such a life of convenience that if a friend doesnt fit our needs, if they do not match our place in existence, we dispose of them and quickly discover more.

Some friendships last the distance, some friendships are so sacred and important that we are prepared to grasp onto them and keep them with us, no matter how much we change, how far we go or how different our circumstance.

I think I have lost a friend. One of the latter, one I have held onto and no matter how confident I am, no matter how happy I am, it really does hurt to let it go.

We became friends when we were almost 13, over soccer, pot, and the fact that we caught the same train home from school. At first we were casual aquaintances, but it slowly grew to be so strong that by the time I was 16 I didnt know who I was without her. We have always been different - her the pretty, confident athletic one, who always had a boyfriend and was the centre of attention, me the strange one, less attractive, less conventional. She listened to top 40 and loved the beach, I loved newtown and listened to JJJ.

Her family had let her down, and I mean really let her down, leaving her alone, and constantly disapointing her when she needed them. For her I was often her family, her saviour from them.

I was picked on and ridiculed, both by my school friends and by her friends outside of school. She was my constant defender, whos guard over me was ever strong and inpenetrable.

When she turned 18 her birthday was ignored by her family. I bought a cake, a slab of beer and we created our own party. I can honestly say that at that point we didnt need anyone else. We were happy with each other.

We fell out at my 18th, she didnt turn up cos she was on drugs and it broke my heart. Also our boyfriends were both wankers so we went our separate ways - her into drugs and clubs and me into abuse and control- we were neither winners and we were both miserable.

At 20 we became friends again, both freed from our evil boyfriends. We bonded again over soccer- and within months we were as close as we had ever been. I spoke at her 21st birthday party. She spoke at mine: she told me I was beautiful and wonderful and that she was the lucky one because she was friends with me. No one had ever told me that before.

At 22 we moved out together - and straight back into the drug scene that almost ruined our friendship the first time. It almost did again but we made it thru and we were still strong.

On her 23rd birthday her family disapointed her again- so i went and saved her like old times. We went and got drunk, and then i bought 2 tattoos, one for her and one for me. So she has freedom printed on her shoulder blade, and I have a butterfly design on my back, symbols of what we always wanted to be.

And now less than 12 months later we have drifted apart. She hardly spoke 2 words to me at soccer. I guess that there are reasons- For the only time in our friendship I am happy and secure, in a good relationship and I think maybe she has lost alot of her own control. I think she is angry about things she cant change and I think that its strange for her that I am not there following her around anymore.

I miss her tho - for the longest time she was the one who always told me I was good enough. She built me up and made me feel important - to her I was. I will always remember, one emotional drunk night, her crying and screaming and saying to me "Riss I wish you realised how amazing you are. I wish you understood that I want to be more like you."

Friends like that dont happen often.